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Saturday, December 15th, 2007

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:hey dudes, wanna party? *BLOWJOB*
Time:9:09 am.
Mood: derdek.
hi, dudes. it's been a thousand years since i last posted, so naturally a lot has happened.

i contracted HIV from a dude's toilet seat before being farted on and fucked in the buttpussy. well, i guess nothing has really changed after all.

well, see you in 6 million months.

Wednesday, July 11th, 2007

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:if anyone cares, let me eat some hairs
Time:9:26 pm.
Mood: rich.
hi, everyone. let me cut to the chase and insert some damn drivel.

the stock market's rising, that's good, but i'm more concerned with the cock market. how are the dudes around the city? i'm in the market for a previously owned dude with a large storage compartment (junk in the trunk) and a massive stick shift, know what i mean?

as el chupacabra and my relationship is winding down, i'm looking to branch out a bit. now i know i'm not the smartest person in the world, but i know when and how to use a comma. that should be enough to at least secure a decent dude.

now onto the real entry...my family is moving to st. petersburg, florida. yes, we plan to build a glass house above all those poverty-stricken people and laugh at them. i also hear it's a mighty important aids hotbed. 99% of the populus is already infected, and well, i like entertainment, so i gotta see it when their brains rot out of their ears and their faces turn to complete mush.

according to wikipedia, the definition of aids is a long one...so i didn't read it, and i probably never will. it's okay though because i don't need book smarts to survive, just the street smarts i inherently obtained from my millionaire father, J.W. Booksmith. he's the owner of Booksmith Bookeries, the largest independent online book store chain in the world. he's a fortune 500 dude and he's got the global book trade under his wing. he's singlehandedly taking the chinese out of the equation. in another six years, no one will even remember who or what the fuck china is/was. good thing too, because who wants to remember those freedom-haters.

you know, we all live in the good u.s. of a. why can't we all agree on the same subjects? homosexuality is wrong and should be punishable by death. people who are cruel to animals should be put on a pedestal to be admired and followed. those who tamper with dna evidence (cloners and the like) should be put on trial for blasphemy and sentenced to an eternal life of doom, not to mention the lethal injection. inbreeding should be rampant, and everyone should have at least six pitbulls to place in steel cage matches every third sunday of every month. what the fuck is wrong with you people?

i know my views are rather liberal, but hey, you gotta stick up for what's right.

you know, i was thinking the other day about IQ's and credit scores. now i have high scores on both, unlike some people who will go unnamed. some people have low scores on both. very rarely will you find someone who has a high and a low. what i'm trying to say is that if you are in debt, you are some kind of mentally retarded. now, i'm a man with material success and all the time in the world for golfing and spelunking and other things i enjoy. i pay all my bills on time, and therefore, i am rewarded with better credit cards with lower interest rates. some people *ahem* aren't so lucky. that's how i can afford a luxury car while some people drive 1992 hyundai elantras or whatever the fuck poor people drive.

now i know i love to tackle the hot social issues WHEN...THEY...OCCUR. that's why you all tune into my lovely articles. you know, i'm lucky to have such loyal followers. i would say the three most influential figures of our era have been me, hitler, and gandhi: me for revolutionizing the internet communities of tomorrow and for my invention of the vacuum cleaner that picks up metal, hitler for his stark realization that some people do in fact have to die so that others can live, and gandhi because that motherfucker was a fasting machine.

now i must be going. winfred the butler is removing my shoes and he's about to send a concubine down to suck my fucking dick. god, it feels so great to be an arab oil heiress to my father's billion dollar oil rig tycoon business. i get diamond pillows, platinum sheets, and gold in anything i want. it truly is a wonderful life.

sometimes i like to feign happiness.

Monday, July 2nd, 2007

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:light waves and supersonic buttchaves
Time:9:51 am.
el chupacabra once told me i was the best role model in his life. i didn't know what he meant at the time but looking back, i see it. not only was el chupacabra influenced by my love of eating goats and chickens, but he was also enthralled by my ability to make the ladies get on their knees and suck on my dick. yeah, that's right. i am a ladies' man and el chupacabra wishes he was the same. you see, the secret to my debonair ways is that i like to kill/slash the throats of my women before i ever make contact with their mouths. el chupacabra finally understands this now as the other day i saw him in the fields with a lady on bended knees gnawing away at his pecker.

"go get em, chup!" i yelled. and he flashed me a peace sign and i got a huge erection and walked over and joined his little manage et trois. that's when i realized that not only did i have a sexual attraction to women and dudes, but also to the goatsucking creature of the night.

it really goes to show you. you don't really know yourself until you find yourself in that position. here i was, at the prime of my life, and yet i was still discovering a little bit about myself everyday.

now, el chupacabra and i are married and living in a seven-bedroom flat on the east side of yorkshire with two children and a maid and a butler and several gardeners. we also have some goats, but that's another story. a hyuk hyuk hyuk.

Friday, January 12th, 2007

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:this times i means WAR!
Time:10:18 pm.
dr. henry bates was too pre-occupied with work to take care of his daily chores, so he hired a butler. his new butler came and do you know what he called dr. henry bates? henry, because that's what dr. bates asked of him.

bi.


DIS A GOOD MOVEE.

Thursday, January 4th, 2007

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:a recent phone interview with teddy and becky thurmond
Time:11:44 pm.
Mood: terrytabble.
hallo, gang.

recently i conducted a phone interview with the couple of the hour, mr. and mrs. teddy and becky thurmond, respectively. and i write:

"so, how's it feel to be hollywood's hottest couple?"

they don't reply, and i'm wondering if i'm probing the right subject.

"did we check in the right place? i don't know," i quietly say under my breath. they finally break the silence and begin to fuck each other uncontrollably. i'm appalled by it, but i eventually come around and take teddy thurmond's cock into my mouth while i feel up on his wife's titties. they both moan in ecstasy but unfortunately, i'm the first to blow my load, and boy did i ever.

i think the thurmonds had to clean their hair at least twelve times. so much spermatozoa, so little time.

so now i leave you with that. my new hobby is blowing my jizz inside of any random person's hair. it gives me a sexual high unlike any other, and i feel free.

well, i have to go. gerald's calling me to bed and i can't wait to relinquish his reign of terror from my ass by forcefully shooting my cum all in his hair.

bye.

Thursday, November 2nd, 2006

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:bort meets bart
Time:9:20 pm.
Mood: soluble.
dear whoever reads this,

if you hate your life so much, why don't you kill yourself? i mean, kurt cobain did it and look at him, he's tight...and a star.

bye,
butt cramer

Monday, October 16th, 2006

(2 bastards | ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:I personally loved the movie Click with Adam Sandler
Time:1:21 pm.
Mood: I read newpapor (online?).
Here's a snippet from my local newspapor or as I like to call it, "unequivocal truth firmly rooted in the truths of Jesus Christ":

Local faggot holds assfuck charity

GULFPORT-- October 16, 2006. "We just really wanna give back to the community that has given us so much." Those were the words of Randy Heathstone, organizer and participant in this year's Assfuck the Coast event. The charity hopes to raise awareness about safe buttfucking.

-----------------

I think that's pretty nice of them. I guess I was wrong about those fags after all.

Here's another one:

Black dude murders someone

-----------------

Well, I guess I don't have to go into detail about that. Just goes to show ya (JUST GOES TO SHOW YA) niggers are everywhere.

Tuesday, October 10th, 2006

(1 bastard | ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:the women here are HOT and HORNAY!
Time:8:30 am.
Mood: butt.
hey guys, it's been awhile.

to make a long story short I'm in central Illinois right now about 20 minutes out of Dorthshire. i'm here with my reptilian studies class and we're camped out waiting for a rare lizard that only exists in this area! scientists believe that only 5 lizards remain in existence. if we find one or all five we're going to kill them and study their corpses.

well, I snuck out cause it was gay. I'm not gonna lie to you, it was my parents dream that I become a zoologist with a speciality in reptile studies. just like my fucking old man, but nah... that's not me.

I headed up to Dorthshire and stopped into a local sleeze bar when the 45 most beautiful women approached me. They mashed all their collective tits in my face and started sucking my cock in succession, no one mouth on my cock for more than a second. It was like whack-a-mole on my dick they were going so fast switching between eachother. the mole wasn't getting knocked down in this game though. no buddy.

I limped back to my class' location, sore from depositing all my reproductive genetic material that I would ever make in my life in the bellies of some Illinois whores. well, some was in their hair too. Anyway, I returned to find the professor, face beet red and eyes bulging. He was furious! You see, I was his prize pupil and he expected me to document this entire excursion from start to finish. He also expected me to come to his tent the night before and blow him. Since I didn't do either he failed me on the spot and my parents cut me off financially. Summarily, this will be my last post as I have nowhere to live and no one likes me enough to take me in. well, bye.

Monday, September 18th, 2006

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:Tag-along Buttsy and the Mystery That is Life
Time:8:12 am.
Mood: exhausted.
Tag-along Buttsy and his best friend the Mystery That is Life were walking up the wooded trail one morning when suddenly a keen sparrow called out to them,

"Tag-along Buttsy and the Mystery That is Life, I'll wager a piece of rhubarb pie that I can catch 30 worms in a morning's hunt if you'll wager me your knickers."

Tag-along set to think upon this at once. He knew the sparrow's rhubarb pies were reknowned through the forest and that such a treasure may curtail his father's anger for tonight was the Whipping Night and Tag-along was sure to be beaten.

"You're on friend sparrow, begin your hunt!" challenged Tag-along Buttsy.

At once the sparrow took to the sky and left sight of the two friends.

"But Buttsy, sparrows are superior worm catchers, we'll surely lose our knickers tonight," came the tiny, unsure voice of the Mystery That is Life.

Tag-along Buttsy looked his friend up and down.

"I don't think he'll be wanting your knickers," he chided the fat Mystery.

The two friends then sat down and waited for the sparrow. Buttsy thought that morning was almost over when the Mystery That is Life's stomach began to growl. Then he remembered that the Mystery That is Life was almost always hungry and in need of food.

Soon the sparrow returned to his tree perch and spread out thirty of the juiciest, plumpest worms Buttsy had ever seen.

"I have done it Buttsy. I've caught thirty worms," said the sparrow.

"Oh no!" cried Tag-along Buttsy.

"Now Tag-along, my prize if you will," said the sparrow, elated.

Tag-along Buttsy relinquished control of his knickers to the sparrow and just as Buttsy had predicted the sparrow was in fact not interested in the Mystery That is Life's knickers. He politely declined to take them.

"Ha ha Tag-along!" exclaimed the sparrow, "It wasn't your knickers that I wanted at all. I merely wanted to see you in your undergarments."

The sparrow masturbated on his perch, rubbing his cock against the knickers as he eye-balled Tag-along Buttsy's bulge. The sparrow came all over the inside of Buttsy's knickers and threw them back to him.

"Goodbye Tag-along Buttsy and the Mystery That is Life, thank you for this most delicious treat!" called the sparrow as he took flight.

Tag-along Buttsy's head sagged a bit for he knew his nightly beating was upon him.

The End.

Friday, September 15th, 2006

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:hey everyone
Time:9:35 am.
Mood: yipper.
hey everyone, I was reading my favorite webcomic today and this strip caught my eye.

RIGHT HERE BUCKOCollapse )

how true, how true

Wednesday, September 13th, 2006

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:smooth sailin' in the year o6
Time:8:26 am.
Mood: horny.
hey Journal!

Ken here.

Four years ago I was a deadbeat nobody with 10 cents to my name and a supercharged cock full of AIDS. I first met Gargamel on the boardwalk as a street performer, it wasn't my job so much as to entertain the crowd but to distract them so my cronies in the audience could pickpocket several of these slackjawed yokels gawking as I laid back on the sidewalk to lick my own asshole. I noticed Gargamel immediately with his long blonde hair and muscular physique, oiled and tanned. He was shirtless of course and on rollerblades and rollered away before I got done with my act to come talk to him. I eventually saw him again and mentioned my act which he remembered. We got to talking and one thing led to enough and I was in his bed that night. I haven't left since.

I can't say I love Gargamel but I do love fucking him. He's so head-over-heels for me that I can fuck him any time I want and I do! Also I got this nice place to stay and he showers me with gifts. I hardly even get outta bed. Yeah, I guess I have the good life, buttsex when I want it, 3 times a day, at least, probably some more things. I know, 3 times a day, I'm an animal right? Well get this, when his pops kicked the bucket we were fucking 7 times a day I kid you not! Sometimes he'd be bent over crying his eyes out while I was pounding his guts further into his throat. A couple years later, after I'd gone on a vacation by myself to Thailand, I could not curb my sexual appetite. Those 3 times a day just weren't cutting it and Gargamel was only willing to go 4 times a day. So... I kinda sort made up this story that my brother died. He ate it right up. We were fucking 8 times a day no problem as he tried to console me. You know, we even got up to 15 on a Saturday in May. My dick was raw, skin peeled back like a fucking banana! Oh but it was worth it. We continued fucking like this for at least two months.

Anyway Journal, I'm gonna go see if he's ready to fuck again. Bye!

Sincerely,

Ken

Friday, September 8th, 2006

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:garblemorf
Time:9:00 am.
Mood: bleased.
hi, guys, i am here to announce my retirement from the nfl. i have had three good seasons with the giants and now i'm calling it quits so i can focus on my family and my dog. my mom recently went into the hospital so i'm using my salaries to pay for her medicines. she is in stable condition although the same can't be said for the guy that beat her up. i knocked his lights out, and now he is dead. well, i have a feeling that things are looking up and i will see you all on espn.

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:hey Steph, can you send me those text files of the story I was working on?
Time:8:53 am.
Mood: colorful paw prints.
hey Steph, can you send me those text files of the story I was working on? I think I'm gonna change the Michael-Jonas fight scene up a bit. Thanks! Bye

Monday, August 28th, 2006

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:power in the midnight hour
Time:9:23 am.
Mood: ellunoited.
reluctantly i am writing this to you while lover mine is away, in another land fighting in a war he does not believe in. the rain falls like tears. i wrote a poem about all this, i hope you'll let me share it.

Sunset of blue cherad,
glimses of twilights snow,
I heard my name whispered,
underneath the resmin go,
'O father help me near,
the same Old gombance never seen,
unfolding like the silfid meer,
venturing in the forest night,
we gossomed upon the dancehall Sweet,
now to be fell'n upon our face,
seen 'round the world to love a boy,
a neighbor hom dare we jeit?


i hope you enjoyed that. i have another, i spent a little bit more time on this one.

Tucked away my sil'vry perch,
my eagle at the ready aire,
sentenced for a days'men dearth,
so shallow is the world repair."


thanks

Friday, August 25th, 2006

(2 bastards | ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:back with a vengeance
Time:9:58 am.
Mood: enthralled.
well nothing can keep me down and that's a damn fact.

i was poring through all my well wish cards and discovered something from my friend Gonzo. Heehee. Me and him go waaay back all the way back to high school if you can believe that. I know me in high school! Oh no! I'm like waaaay too old to ever attend an institution that was created only 300 years ago or some shit amirite? You know, and I'm like 6 trillion years old. Anyways... Gonzo or Bonzo as we'd like to jest him in the jesters tourney sent me a note that simply read, "get well" and it had a picture of a well on it. you know, one which you'd draw water from. i was about to dispose of this like any sane non-packrat piece of shit would do when a magical "get healthy free" card good for only one time fell out of the envelop. I rolled that shit up with my other "medicine" into a blunt and smoked for a good while. I slid back down into my sheets and slept til like... a million o'clock.

Thursday, August 24th, 2006

(2 bastards | ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:I MISS HIM SOOOO MUCH!
Time:8:00 am.
Mood: biohazard.
hi guys, today i am sick. not with aids or anything like you'd think but with a much more common imaginary illness: the flucold.

i expect well wishes, small-time fishes, and candy dishes while i fight courageously to overtake this disease that has riddled my body and left me a shell of a human being.

Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006

(2 bastards | ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:Thoughts on the nature of my butt
Time:9:39 am.
Mood: devious.
I sought out the finest minds of my generation a few years back. Picturing the culmination of thousands of years of human evolution, I envisioned the purest body and mind, susceptible to nothing. I sailed the mighty seas, climbed the colossal mountain ranges, traversed the bleakest deserts to meet these scholars; these ubermensch.

I arrived in Thailand on September 4th, 1999 to meet Professor Tnop Mem. After disembarking I made my way towards the university. Little did I know that a radical group of Thai nationalist terrorists were on their way to the campus as well. As I entered the great hall of the Naiop Building masked men with large automatic rifles stormed all around me.

I was thrown to the ground.

"You Butt Ryman?" one screamed, shoving his gun's barrel in my face.

"...Y-yes," I giffled.

THEN ROYO COME FROM HEVEN AND SAV ME!!! ROYO MY CAT WHOM DONT KNOW HIM. HE MAGICAL AND MYSTEROUS AND WONDEROS. BYE

Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006

(ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:gettin' away from it all, at least for a little while
Time:8:17 am.
Mood: reflective.
HI!

for those of you who know me best and those complete strangers i tell my entire life story to in the twilight hour, you would know that i love to spend the dog days of summers in the beautiful catskill mountains. those wooded valleys where i spent most of my childhood, exploring ceaselessly, are my true home. i can't wait to get back them and to the pristine creeks and rivers that i used to spend hours in, overturning every rock on the shoreline to catch a snake in the hopes of scaring my sisters. i have very fond memories of that place, especially my parents' cabin tucked away into the sincere landscape. it was there that i kissed my first boy--a frightening and beautiful experience. this place however was also the site of my greatest sorrow. three summers past from that very same in which i'd kissed Gregory on the docks, my first and true love would be taken from me. we were like any teens in love--brash, foolhearty, inexperienced. we had been drinking a smuggled fifth of whiskey, the good stuff, straight from my fathers extensive collection. taking long pulls each of the potent stuff it was not long before we were drunk. Recklessly we climbed a tree outstretching itself onto the water. We had jumped off many times before but this time Greg didn't see the submerged log and it's jagged limb hiddened in the shadows of the night. He jumped and impaled himself on a three foot branch. but that's behind me now, I have Marion now...

Monday, August 21st, 2006

(2 bastards | ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:my day at the office by myself
Time:12:14 pm.
Mood: invincile.
today i woke up to birds singing and chippings and i was happy. you see, today was the day i get to run office myself and i think that i could really prove myself to boss. he think i just in it for the money and i am. i mean, do i really care about the goings on in the blinds trade? answer: yes. you see the blinds starts in africa where native blinds are sold into bondage by other blinds. these blinds then go to the caribbean to be stripped of they pride and morals and decency and clothes. they learn how to work and go up and down properly. then they are sent to the americans where they are put on store shelves and sold to dudes who use them as concubines and also use them to block sun rays. but back to being at the office. i answer the phone myself, i fax memo myself, i also accept mail from mail master myself, also i jerk off my boss myself even though he wasn't here today. I guess you can say... oop, my boss here... BYE!

Thursday, June 29th, 2006

(1 bastard | ridicule me, i dare you)

Subject:klaus leschke
Time:10:03 am.
Mood: dumpface.
hey d00ds, im at work just sitting and checking my ebay stuff...not much to do right now...the mailman just walked in with some mail and i think he wanted to fuck me...he was kind of an asshole.

me: hey.
*hands mail*
me: thanks.
him: mmhmm.
*walks out*

well, fuck that guy. he'll probably go home to his son with down syndrome and get a real hard-on watching the little bastard flop around into coffee table after coffee table. he'll gulp down his cheap beer and think about what a horrible day he's had and how horrible his day will be tomorrow. and i get off on that. my rocks are totally primed and ready to explode.

i have to take a dump, but i hate going dump in this bathroom. i feel so ashamed of my dump, and i'll have to lock up the shop and everything. i might just have to do that.

in other news, i've been addicted to ebay. i want to get some good feedback so i can be THE best and most respected buyer on ebay. i got a 60GB ipod video, a couple of 12-inches, and a couple of video games, but now i'm afraid i've gone over the limit on my debit card. oh well, i have $300 to deposit so i can keep going. i've kinda put paying for my computer on hold. i should probably start doing that again. hopefully i can get a good $150 a week put down on it.

lets see, what else? not much, i guess...just waiting for the bossman, aka mr. bossman, to show up so we can dish about the latest in blinds. some of us get mean boners over a well-hung vertical.

well, i'll update again in another 9 months. later, everyone.

leave me comments PLZ. i miss them. i miss everyone. i miss tina guerra RIP.

LiveJournal for this might be satire.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Website (Audioscrobbler: goregrind).
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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.